Entry #4

Today is January 1st, 2015. It's a day to be reflective. Millions of people spent last night talking about 2014. And, depending on who you ask, it was either the best year of their life, or the shittiest. I don't think it's fair to classify an entire year as good or bad. There are 365 days in 2014. Each day has a different feeling, a different memory. Some I'll remember forever, some I wish I could forgot, but either way, I can't judge an entire year based on one memory. Let's look back...

I've always been deemed a pessimist so why not start with the bad; I got dumped. Everybody goes through it at some point in their life, some more times than others. Unfortunately, love is a part of life. When the object of your love is taken away it hurts. There's no denying it. I got dumped by someone who I had planned on asking to marry me. Had it all planned out, was even saving up for a ring. And I've heard every cliche since the break up. "She doesn't deserve you", "there are more fish in the sea", "there's someone out there for everyone and you'll find your someone when you least expect it." All these sayings come from a kind place, but that's all they are; sayings. They don't mean anything to me. All I wanted was for someone to tell me that it was ok to be pissed off and I should be upset. I love my friends and family to death, but unfortunately I don't feel comfortable talking to them about this stuff anymore because I never feel good about myself afterwards. Maybe that's my fault.

The good; I got a puppy for Christmas. Since I built my house a few years ago, I've wanted a dog. I just never pulled the trigger on it because I was worried I might not be able to handle it. Plus, I live alone and I knew it would be my responsibility to take care of it. I knew I was getting the dog for awhile, just not for Christmas. When I looked into that puppy's eyes on Christmas morning, I wanted to cry. It was without a doubt my happiest moment of 2014 and the love I already have for him is almost unbearable.

The bad; I turned 28. Although this is a minimally painful moment in my life, it still ranks up there in the bad category. I'm so close to 30 and I feel like I haven't accomplished the things I wanted to accomplish. No wife, no kids, no idea of what I want to do career-wise. When I was 14, I had it in my mind that all these things would happen in my early 20's. Making plans has always been a problem for me because plans always seem to have a way of changing. I see that now more than ever.

The good; I found out I'm going to be an uncle. My younger brother and his girlfriend found out this year that they are having a little girl. I'm beyond excited for him because I've never seen him happier. I always worried he wouldn't find his way in life, but he has his shit together. I know he'll be a good father and I know his girlfriend loves him. I can't wait to meet my little niece.

The bad; I found out I'm going to be an uncle. It pains me to classify this moment as both good and bad, but I've got to get this off my chest; I'm beyond jealous. My brother is four years younger than me and he's getting all the things out of life that I've always wanted. I would never tell him this because it's not supposed to be about me and I feel like a dickhead for even remotely feeling this way. But I can't control my feelings. Believe me, if I could, I would change a lot of them. I won't be the guy who took this happy moment away from my brother. No matter how fucked up my head feels.

The good; I started doing yoga. I felt so good about myself during a time when I needed it most. My body felt better, my mind felt better. Yoga really does work and I wouldn't have thought it did unless I tried.

The bad; I stopped doing yoga. I have a tendency of not following through on things. I'm working on that for 2015.

The good; I'm still alive. That may not seem like much of an accomplishment, but trust me when I say it is. I'm happy to be alive, whether I've had a good year or not, and I'll continue to survive through good and bad days in 2015.

-Ryan
www.drinknthinkn.com

Entry #3

I miss feeling excited about things. The older you get, the more it seems like everything loses that "something special" that made you look forward to it whenever it happened. Like Christmas. When you're young, you count down the days until Christmas with that overpowering curiosity of what St. Nick will give you this year. But as a 28 year old single man with no kids, I just realized today that Christmas is already next week. I do love Christmas; the food, the gatherings. It truly is a wonderful day and I have no doubt that I will enjoy every second of it alongside my friends and family. But that feeling of excitement I used to get shortly after my October birthday knowing that Christmas was a mere two months away has been absent for years.

When you're a kid, you get excited about the simplest things. I remember being so excited to go to a Chinese food restaurant because that meant I got read my Chinese animal zodiac on the place mat. Or going to visit my great-grandmother at the end of the street because she always had a bowl of those strawberry flavored hard candies in the back room of her house. Even in high school, I'd get excited to go to a certain class because maybe the hot girl, who I had a crush on, would say "hi" to me again like she did last Tuesday.

I recently ended a relationship with someone who essentially told me I lack ambition. I took it to heart--as I do most things that are even remotely critical of my way of life--and tried my best to defend myself. But since then I've been asking myself what I want to do with my life almost daily and I still can't answer it.

I'm not a parent. And, in all honesty, I may never become one. However, I am surrounded by parents so I've seen my fair share of parenting styles. The one common trend I see within most of these styles is that every parent tells their kids they can be anything they want to be when they grow up. It is a parents' job to insure their children that their future is bright and free of sadness or harm. If I had kids, I would do the same thing; give them hope. Because every child deserves to believe that they can accomplish whatever they want and be excited about the future that's in front of them. My parents told me I could be anything and I believed them. And I was so excited for my future. I was going to be a professional wrestler, or a comedian, or the drummer of a rock band. I miss that feeling. That feeling of knowing that your future is ahead of you and it's a bright one.

I believe that most people at one point in their lives have to give up on some dreams. I mean, let's face it; some kids want to grow up to be Batman and I've yet to see a single person strolling down the streets with a rubber suit and a utility belt. I do worry that I gave up on my dreams too early and now it's too late to do what makes me happy. And, I don't even know what it is that would make me happy anymore.

I get made fun of quite a bit for acting like an old man, but the truth is I feel like I don't have all that much time left to figure out what I want. And, I worry that by the time I do figure out what I want, it'll be too late.

What do I want to be when I grow up? I don't know.

-Ryan
www.drinknthinkn.com